Why

I just want to know why I am at the bottom of the hill... Why am I always the one that does what no one else wants to do? Why do my friends pick and choose when they talk to me like it's no big deal? Wait a minute... I don't have friends. I borrow my husbands because he feels sorry for me because I am fat and having sex with me makes him want puke. A friend might have cancer. My mom is closing the business that she runs and wants to open a new one and I am just supposed to go along with that. I have 5 kids with no one to help me. I hate my life. I love my kids. What do I do? When someone knows the answer, please let me know.

For those of you who care...

Just an update on my life.

I have 5 month old twins named Jake and Jazz. That's a total of 5 kids now.

My grandfather passed away 9 days ago and I still don't believe it.

I quit smoking 3 weeks ago and it's really hard to be a quiter.

Other than that, there isn't much new on this end. Life is busy and I am tired.
  • Current Music
    Bob and Brian- Martinifest podcast

It bothers me

It bothers me that we aren't friends anymore. I used to know some of the important stuff and now I don't even know how you are doing. You don't talk to me. I don't blame you. I'm just saying I miss you and if there was ever anything I could do for you, all you have to do is ask.
  • Current Music
    John Fogerty- Rock N Roll Girl

(no subject)

You Know You Grew Up In The 80's or Early 90's If:
1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word "SIKE"
2. You watched the Pound Puppies.
3. You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Belair" and can do the "Carlton".
4. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy
5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.
6. You owned those lil' Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
7. You know that "WOAH " comes from Joey on Blossom
8. Two words: Hammer Pants
9. If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock"
10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars....and "spokey-dokes" or playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect
11. You can sing the entire theme song to "DuckTales "
12. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons
13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head
14. You saw the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles " on the big screen...and still know the turtles names.
15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
16. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side
17. You played the game "MASH " (Mansion, Apartment,Shelter,House)
18. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.
19. L.A. Gear....need I say more?
20. You wanted to change your name to "JEM " in kindergarten.(She's truly outrageous.)
21. You remember reading "Tales of a fourth grade nothing" and all the Ramona books
22. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF"
23. You wanted to be a Goonie.
24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing.
25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted and when he wore that white glove!
26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
27. You took lunch boxes with thermos's to school... and traded Garbage Pail kids in the schoolyard.
28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.
29. You still get the urge to say "NOT " after every sentence.
30. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts.
31. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band.
32. You thought She-ra (Princess of Power!) and He-Man should hook up.
33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.
34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes.
35. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?"
36. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up".
37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.
38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
39. You have ever played with a Skip-It.
40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.
41. You've gone through this e-mail laughing and nodding your head in agreement.
42. You remember Popples.
43. "Don't worry, be happy"
44. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.
45. You wore socks scrunched down
46. You remember boom boxes. . and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.
47. You remember watching both "Gremlins " movies.
48. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!!"
49. You remember watching "Rainbow Bright" and "My Little PonyTales"
50. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.
51.. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.
52. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool...and don't even flinch when people refer to them as "NKOTB".
53. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell," The ORIGINAL class.
54. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - You give love a bad name.
55. You just sang those words to yourself
56. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird.
57. Homemade Levi shorts... (the shorter the better)
58. You remember when mullets were cool and rat tails!
59. You had a mullet!
60. You still sing "We are the World"
61. You tight rolled your jeans.
62. You owned a bannana clip.
63. You remember "Where's the Beef?"
64. You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin' about Willis?"
65. You had big hair and you used tons of harispray for your bangs...the wave!
66. You're still singing you give love a bad name in your head,aren't you!!!
  • Current Music
    Not a Day Goes By-Lone Star

What to do?

Have you ever found yourself in a pickle that you just don't know how to deal with. I have Friend A asking how I feel about Friend B, would I date him, do I love him, would I be with him if I wasn't married? All the while I am trying to figure out if Friend B likes Friend C because Friend C likes him but won't come out and admit it. Meanwhile, Friend D is crushin big time for Friend B but won't say anything becuase Friend D and Friend C are best friends. Friend A is the one that likes me, and it don't sink in that I am married. He's had a thing for me for about 5 months and I have yet to even give him a hug good bye when we are out or something. But Friend B is it for me. I want him more than I have ever wanted anything in my life. It's a sick sad world.
  • Current Music
    lonestar- Mr. Mom

My every day life

Today I got out of bed, got in the shower, got the kids ready, fed them breakfast, took them to the sitter and came to work. I will be here for about 7 more hours, then I will go home, cook the kids dinner, eat with them, play for a little bit with the kids, dogs or both, get the kids into the bath, get pjs on, put them to bed, work out, watch One Tree Hill and NYPD Blue, while I do so, fold laundry, feed the dogs, do the dishes, probably talk to Tiff and see how Vegas was, go to bed. About 12 Andy will come home, wake me up and ask how my day was.
  • Current Music
    Whatever you say

Merry Christmas...

Christmas through Santa's eyes TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, HE
LIVED ALL ALONE, IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE.
I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE, AND TO SEE JUST
WHO IN THIS HOME DID LIVE. I LOOKED ALL ABOUT, A STRANGE SIGHT I
DID SEE, NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS, NOT EVEN A TREE. NO STOCKING BY
MANTLE, JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND, ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES OF
FAR DISTANT LANDS. WITH MEDALS AND BADGES, AWARDS OF ALL KINDS, A
SOBER THOUGHT CAME THROUGH MY MIND. FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,
IT WAS DARK AND DREARY, I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER, ONCE I COULD
SEE CLEARLY. THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING, SILENT, ALONE, CURLED UP ON
THE FLOOR IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME. THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE, THE
ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER, NOT HOW I PICTURED A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.
WAS THIS THE HERO OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO, THE FLOOR FOR A BED? I REALIZED THE FAMILIES THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT, OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT. SOON
ROUND THE WORLD, THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY, AND GROWNUPS WOULD
CELEBRATE A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY. THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM EACH
MONTH OF THE YEAR, BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS, LIKE THE ONE LYING
HERE. I COULDN'T HELP WONDER HOW MANY LAY ALONE, ON A COLD
CHRISTMAS EVE IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME. THE VERY THOUGHT BROUGHT A
TEAR TO MY EYE, I DROPPED TO MY KNEES AND STARTED TO CRY. THE
SOLDIER AWAKENED AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE, "SANTA DON'T CRY, THIS
LIFE IS MY CHOICE; I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM, I DON'T ASK FOR MORE, MY
LIFE IS MY GOD, MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS." THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER AND
DRIFTED TO SLEEP, I COULDN'T CONTROL IT, I CONTINUED TO WEEP. I
KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS, SO SILENT AND STILL AND WE BOTH SHIVERED FROM
THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL. I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE ON THAT COLD, DARK,
NIGHT, THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR SO WILLING TO FIGHT. THEN THE SOLDIER
ROLLED OVER, WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE, WHISPERED, "CARRY ON
SANTA, IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE." ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,
AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."
  • Current Music
    When I See You Smile

Today...

Well, what can I say. I was on a trip to Ohio with the wife's family. For all of you that didn't know, it was to his grandpas funeral. Which happened to be the same day as my grammas was 5 years ago. I don't know why I went. I know it meant a lot to my mother and father-in-law. My husband didn't talk to me, he didn't even care that I was there. The only thing he did was bitch at me. The kids were pretty good, all things considered. It was hell driving home, but we mad it. I think my marriage is just about over. Andy asked me if I wanted him to leave when we got home. I told him that it was up to him. I wasn't telling him to stay or leave, I just wanted him to do something about the way he has been acting. And the whole thing calling me leslie, that didn't go over real well...

In my own words...

It has been a long time since I have posted any of my own thoughts and I guess that's the reason I have this journal. Life has changed for me in many different ways. I found out that Andy did have a girlfriend, just as I suspected. The burning question is, what am I going to do about it? The answer is simeple. Nothing. I don't want to be the one that puts my kids through hell again. I did it the first time and that's not going to happen again on my account. Andy sleeps on the couch. We don't have sex. We really don't talk at all unless we have to. He is going back to school Tuesday thru Thursday starting in January and will continue to have his meetings at the Fire Department on Mondays. 4 days a week I will be home with the kids by myself. That's ok with me. I discovered I am actually better off with him not there. I get a lot more done because I don't have him to deal with. Life... What a ride.
  • Current Music
    Live like you were dying

Some stupid song I can't get out of my head

No new years's day
To celebrate
No chocolate covered candy hearts to give away
No first of spring
No song to sing
In fact here's just another ordinary day
No april rain
No flowers bloom
No wedding saturday within the month of june
But what it is
Is something true
Made up of these three words that i must say to you

I just called to say i love you
I just called to say how much i care
I just called to say i love you
And i mean it from the bottom of my heart

No summer's high
No warm july
No harvest moon to light one tender august night
No autumn breeze
No falling leaves
No even time for birds to fly to southern skies
No libra sun
No halloween
No giving thanks to all the christmas joy you bring
But what it is
Though old so new
To fill your heart like no three words could ever do.

I just called to say i love you
I just called to say how much i care
I just called to say i love you
And i mean it from the bottom of my heart.

I just called to say i love you
I just called to say how much i care
I just called to say i love you
And i mean it from the bottom of my heart

Of my heart
Of my heart
  • Current Music
    Love Train- Big & Rich